I don't get it.

Below is a list of things I don't understand. There are many things I don't understand and as I was sitting here earlier listening to a uni lecture wondering for the umpteenth time why the heck they changed what originally sounded like an interesting subject into something political and boring, yet sometimes still interesting, I started thinking about some things that I just don't get.

I'd also like to preface this blog by saying because I don't understand something doesn't mean I think it's wrong. Maybe someone can explain it so it makes sense, but there's no malice behind my words.

So, with that in mind, here's my list of things I don't get.

1. Fake tan. OK, wtf? I have been perplexed by this practice ever since a high school chum came to school one day with what looked like bad eczema all over her legs. I had never heard of fake tan before that and the idea of putting this weird orange crap that stays on there for days seemed completely bizarre! A few weeks ago I was at work and one of the chicks that works there was a bright shade of carrot! I thought it was hysterical but she loved her "tan". It faded and now she looks normal again but what is so wrong with being ghostly white anyway?

2. Numbers. Anyone who knows me knows I hate numbers. Part of my job has me giving change to people which is not easy sometimes. So before I leave, I get my calculator and work out all the possible amounts of cash they might give me and how much change to give from each. Makes me look smart when I don't even have to think about it. Sometimes I don't do this, though, and have to force my brain to work.. which, surprisingly, it can... mostly.

3. People who drive 20-30ks under the speed limit. Not only is this infuriating, especially if you're in a hurry and ten kms away from the nearest overtaking spot, but there's no reason for it unless you're driving a 50 year old bomb that doesn't go any faster. Admittedly, I've been the one driving up the highway in an old bomb that gets the death rattles and makes weird sounds when I push it to 100kms, but that's not 20-30ks under!

4. Getting old. Why???????????? I don't mind getting wiser (heh heh), but why do our bodies have to age?

5. Why Buckles is a bish. I love you, bish haha

6. Hair Straightening. OK, I get this one to an extent, but the amount of people that ask me why I don't straighten my hair or if I ever do seems to be increasing. Because I don't like to and I don't own a straightener. I like my boofy hair sticking out everywhere.

7. How people can stand to watch sport on TV. Oh my gods! Is there anything more boring?! Even the sound of the sport on in the background sends me into a boredom-induced coma from which I can only be awoken by a frenchie from Prince Charming... which means this must be a coma-dream...

8. Seth Rogan movies. How can anyone think he's funny or talented? I do not get it.

9. People's outrage with politicians. We all know politics is huge sham and not to believe anything anyone in politics says. Maybe we should take a leaf from Egypt's book and riot in the streets until the bastards listen to the people for a change. But then again, no matter what they do, someone's going to disagree.

10. Why people get so irate at other people's differing opinions. Can't we all just accept their opinion calmly without getting on our high horse and trying to force them into listening to why our opinion is the right one?

PMS and other matters.

Guess what. Tomorrow is my birthday and I have raging PMS. When I say raging PMS, I mean it. I have only left the house once so far today and already road raged and gave some moron driver the middle finger salute for being a fucking wanker! Work better not be a bastard tonight!

My next car is going to be a goddamn monster truck, maybe then dickheads will stop pulling out in front of me without their blinkers when I'm almost on top of them. Seriously. I drive a small car, but doesn't mean you shouldn't take me seriously - especially at this time of the month.

As Gordon Ramsay would say, "fooking 'ell!"

There is a reason I had a different job for every month I lived in Melbourne. That's not to say I changed jobs every single month.. mathematically, it just worked out that way.

That would have to be one of the positives of PMS. My tolerance for bullshit goes out the window and shit gets done! Unfortunately the shit I need to get done today isn't because some moron uni tutor won't answer her goddamn email. If she's not dead, I'm gonna be mad. NO EXCUSES.

I read a book not long ago about the history of menstruation. It was fascinating. Back in the day, women who "suffered" from PMS were diagnosed with "hysteria". Because how could women, who are supposed to be subservient fuck dolls for men, dare express an emotion other than total devotion to their men? HOW FOOKING DARE THEY? So, it must be unnatural and something to be treated. And do you know how they treated women afflicted with "hysteria"? Doctors would stimulate a woman's clitoris until orgasm, thus curing hysteria! I found a picture, this was an ad found in magazines at the time.

Seems funny now, right. But even today, if a woman gets cranky for some reason what do blokes (and women, too) automatically assume? Well, obviously, it must be that time of the month. 'Scuse me, but I get cranky and it's not always "that time of the month". So you can shove that one up your arse. (This is not one of those times.)

There are things I really enjoy about being a woman and there are things I don't.

I understand women can wield a certain power  over men which, I'll be honest, can sometimes be advantageous.

But there are some negatives, as well.

It always irks me when a bloke tells me he prefers natural looking women. I'll bet most men have never actually seen a completely natural looking woman. Would he still say that if a dark-haired, pale skin woman did not shave or wax herself into oblivion? I doubt it. What about facial hair? Some dark hair on the upper lip? "Ew," I hear everyone say. A uni brow? "Gross, why doesn't she just wax that shit off?" Why the fuck should she? Men get away with bushy, unwaxed unibrows - look at John Howard. He copped shit over it but he got away with it. Why? Because it's far too girly to get some tweezers up in that shit. If Julia Gillard let her grey roots grow out and let her leg hair grow a wild and woolly ranga down over her legs, there'd be a shitstorm!


And before anyone says it, I know women are just as harsh on other women about these things, but let's face it, why do most woman put themselves through the torture that can be de-hairing? To attract men. Of course, I'm speaking about heterosexual women here - I'm not exactly sure what the protocol is for gay people. They think this is what appeals to men - but you know what I reckon? Men will like what we tell them to. Once a concept is ingrained into the psyche, it becomes belief. If enough women let themselves 'grow out' what choice do men have? If they want their jollies they will just have to accept it. Women do.

And you know how the hairless leg/armpit thing became a "thing"? ADVERTISING. To sell shavers. Marketed as something the aristocratic women did, women everywhere started doing it because it was the done thing.

So I guess what I'm saying is, do whatever the fuck you want and everyone else can go suck it.

Anyway, I  really enjoyed my PMS fuelled rant and now if you'll excuse me, I am going to make a very terse phone call to a certain uni tutor ...