I'm pretty cranky with the crap movies I've almost sat through recently, wasting my time, so here's a list of them and why they're crap. They'll probably contain spoilers - you've been warned!
Any Questions for Ben?
I gave this one a go because I'd heard a few good things about it and I was bored out of my brain. I should have known better. I tried to watch it despite the fact I knew those windbags, Rob Sitch, Santo Cilauro and the other one wrote it. But it was shit. It went on and on and on and I if I heard Ben complain one more time about how lost he felt in life I was about to lose it. No wonder he was lost, there was no plot! Was this a love story or a 'discovering who I am' movie? Who knows? I gave up with about 20 minutes to go, but quickly flicked to the end to make sure he ended up in Yemen with the chick. When I saw a second of him wondering around Yemen looking lost, I knew how it was going to end. Yawnfest.
The Philadelphia Experiment 2012.
Oh my gods, what a disappointment. The 1984 movie is one of my all-time favourites and stars Michael Pare. Well so did this most recent one, but it was like they shoved him in just because, but his character served no real purpose. The plot was moronic and the acting was even worse. I managed to watch the whole thing, but it was like they treated the audience like five year olds. The energy levels raised by Teslas (lovers of the conspiracy will know Nicola Tesla was involved in the actual real experiment). There were so many ridiculous plot holes and the motivation for the bad guys to destroy the ship didn't make any sense. And why the hell did the idiot survivor jump off the ship in the first place? And why did the idiot cop jump on?? Only to spend the rest of the movie embedded in the ship?? Ridiculous and an embarrassment to the original.
Screamers
Oh dear. Philip K Dick adaptations can sometimes be good, but this was not. I only watched it because I'd just finished watching my favourite series, La Femme Nikita, and I wanted to see some of Roy Dupuis' other work. After the first half hour I was bored. The screamers were robotic things that screamed - making the dogs bark every time they did - underground before eating someone's face off. I think that's what happened. I couldn't finish watching it. The tough guy wasn't very convincing, but I'm pretty sure they all lived happily ever after and the only chick in the movie fell in love with the tough guy. Yawn.
Melancholia
What the fuck was this about? I watched it because I read somewhere it was about a girl with depression and really made you think. There was a strange planet in the sky and it had Alexander Skarsgard in it. Sounds pretty awesome, right? WRONG. Kirsten Dunst played the depressed chick and she was getting married to Alexander Skarsgard, but she fucked some other guy in the garden, so the wedding was over before it begun. Then she laid naked under the glow of the new planet. After that, all that happened was some forlorn staring at the weird planet, some weird predictions and if there was anything else I missed it because I couldn't finish it. Kiefer Sutherland couldn't save this snoozefest.
Earth 2
Crap acting and a stupid premise. Earth 2 is about some bitch who killed some guy's wife and kid in a car accident, goes to gaol, starts cleaning his house but he doesn't know who she is, I think they fall in love. Then this Earth 2 appears in the sky and turns out to be a replica of Earth. Wow. Then they start talking to their Earth 2 counterparts and that's when I turned it off. What the fuck is all I have to say about this one.
Clash of the Titans 2010
The only thing I have to say about this is why??????? Why mess with a classic?
Pineapple Express
It wasn't all that recently that I watched this one, but this is the one that clinched my hatred for all things Seth Rogen. Argh. This movie sucked so much arse I don't know where to begin. I only watched the first half before I turned it off. Then I somehow manage to watch the last half when it was on TV. Stupid story, Seth Rogen's laugh is like the sound of fingers rubbing a balloon and makes me jaw feel funny and ... there are just no words for this level of crapness.
Any Questions for Ben?
I gave this one a go because I'd heard a few good things about it and I was bored out of my brain. I should have known better. I tried to watch it despite the fact I knew those windbags, Rob Sitch, Santo Cilauro and the other one wrote it. But it was shit. It went on and on and on and I if I heard Ben complain one more time about how lost he felt in life I was about to lose it. No wonder he was lost, there was no plot! Was this a love story or a 'discovering who I am' movie? Who knows? I gave up with about 20 minutes to go, but quickly flicked to the end to make sure he ended up in Yemen with the chick. When I saw a second of him wondering around Yemen looking lost, I knew how it was going to end. Yawnfest.
The Philadelphia Experiment 2012.
Oh my gods, what a disappointment. The 1984 movie is one of my all-time favourites and stars Michael Pare. Well so did this most recent one, but it was like they shoved him in just because, but his character served no real purpose. The plot was moronic and the acting was even worse. I managed to watch the whole thing, but it was like they treated the audience like five year olds. The energy levels raised by Teslas (lovers of the conspiracy will know Nicola Tesla was involved in the actual real experiment). There were so many ridiculous plot holes and the motivation for the bad guys to destroy the ship didn't make any sense. And why the hell did the idiot survivor jump off the ship in the first place? And why did the idiot cop jump on?? Only to spend the rest of the movie embedded in the ship?? Ridiculous and an embarrassment to the original.
Screamers
Oh dear. Philip K Dick adaptations can sometimes be good, but this was not. I only watched it because I'd just finished watching my favourite series, La Femme Nikita, and I wanted to see some of Roy Dupuis' other work. After the first half hour I was bored. The screamers were robotic things that screamed - making the dogs bark every time they did - underground before eating someone's face off. I think that's what happened. I couldn't finish watching it. The tough guy wasn't very convincing, but I'm pretty sure they all lived happily ever after and the only chick in the movie fell in love with the tough guy. Yawn.
Melancholia
What the fuck was this about? I watched it because I read somewhere it was about a girl with depression and really made you think. There was a strange planet in the sky and it had Alexander Skarsgard in it. Sounds pretty awesome, right? WRONG. Kirsten Dunst played the depressed chick and she was getting married to Alexander Skarsgard, but she fucked some other guy in the garden, so the wedding was over before it begun. Then she laid naked under the glow of the new planet. After that, all that happened was some forlorn staring at the weird planet, some weird predictions and if there was anything else I missed it because I couldn't finish it. Kiefer Sutherland couldn't save this snoozefest.
Earth 2
Crap acting and a stupid premise. Earth 2 is about some bitch who killed some guy's wife and kid in a car accident, goes to gaol, starts cleaning his house but he doesn't know who she is, I think they fall in love. Then this Earth 2 appears in the sky and turns out to be a replica of Earth. Wow. Then they start talking to their Earth 2 counterparts and that's when I turned it off. What the fuck is all I have to say about this one.
Clash of the Titans 2010
The only thing I have to say about this is why??????? Why mess with a classic?
Pineapple Express
It wasn't all that recently that I watched this one, but this is the one that clinched my hatred for all things Seth Rogen. Argh. This movie sucked so much arse I don't know where to begin. I only watched the first half before I turned it off. Then I somehow manage to watch the last half when it was on TV. Stupid story, Seth Rogen's laugh is like the sound of fingers rubbing a balloon and makes me jaw feel funny and ... there are just no words for this level of crapness.
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